Inner Workings of a Conscious Mind - A Prayer Answered

    This is a small excerpt from a memoir I'm working on. I think I am a little intimidated by psychologists and never really felt like therapy with a stranger would help. Writing this is my own therapy in finally dealing with things that stick with me to this day and I hope to grow from it.

A Prayer Answered.

    One night of immense darkness, I lay on my floor-bed in deep thought. I let the emotion of the situation wash over me again, tears forming in my eyes for a problem never-ending. I clasped my hands and shut my eyes, communicating with my patron one last time in desperation. I prayed for them to hear my call, to see my lot in its suffering (a repeat of every night I made this call). This time was different though, I vowed it would be the last time I tried in deaf pointlessness. For 2 years I attempted this silly game with no answer.

I remember thinking, muttering under my breath in hopes it made my message louder,

 “God, there is no way out of this situation for me unless one of them dies. I can’t see any other way for me to escape. I’m labeled a liar and can’t enjoy my freedom because of a man who preaches in your name. Strike him down if my faith means something.”

    I quickly became an atheist after this prayer. No changes were evident and my cry for help was once again silenced. Life continued on as what I now accepted as my normal, after all, I couldn’t kill my father or a pastor of a church. Where would the justice for my life be if I sat in a prison for the rest of my life?

    Within 4 years my father was diseased and dying from Lymphoma cancer.

    Once he was officially gone I knew that whoever had been listening to my transmissions was not God, at least not the one I thought they were. Something has always bothered me about his death and while I use our pastor as an easy copout… I don't think he gave my father cancer.    

    In many ways, I would say this experience made me bring all of my emotions in. I built my armor and left no exposed particle should it be subject to penetration. It also made me weary of spiritualism and the power of Will. I’ve carried the weight of my father’s death my whole life (so far anyway), that I prayed for his downfall and could do nothing to stop it once it came.

    My cousin, who I had not seen for some time at the time once arrived at the hospital with her own pastor and churchgoers. They prayed to the lord to cleanse this man, they believed with a passion that their God would listen.

    I thought to myself, “I believed in your God too, and this is what happened.”

    Being a cynic comes easy when writing about these experiences. I was so young living with an adult concept of handling stress and trial. I didn’t feel like a child after all the trauma, I didn’t feel like a kid even after that. My first 11 years of life robbed me of innocence and ignorance, the bliss we all deserve before the world rears its ugly head.